Where I’ve been…
Perfection. Control. Two concepts that I struggle with more than anything. I am a perfectionist. I am a control freak. In so many senses of the words. I set impossibly high expectations for myself and for my life. I have an almost impossible time dealing with anything that I classify as “failure”. I am obsessive-compulsive and anxious to no end. Yoga and meditation have given me the ability and the knowledge to deal with these feelings.
Unfortunately, how I also deal and have dealt with these emotions in the past is through controlling my food. I am anorexic. I am in recovery, but I have a hard time accepting or seeing how one could ever be “cured” of this. For me, it is not about body image or body dysmorphia. It is about control. It’s a mind game for me: where are the limits of my body’s ability to survive? Since I am “failing,” I do not deserve nourishment and food. For a long time, these thoughts ruled my everyday living. I spent time in an eating disorder treatment center (some of the most inspiring times of my life) and I have been off and on in therapy and groups.
I know my barrier is myself. One of the most frustrating things is that I don’t understand this disease. It doesn’t make sense to me either. But I know that I am strong; stronger than it is.
Ups and downs are a way of life. And through everything we face, we have those around us that will support us and love us no matter what. Probably the single most important influence in my recovery has been my yoga practice. It has allowed me to learn to love my body, it has allowed me to meet a community of souls that inspire me and motivate me every second of every day, it has given me a life focus and I have found my passion.
So where am I now??
The past few months have been harder than I’d like to admit. After a lot of back and forth, I made the decision to quit my full-time job in online marketing. I loved the work, but I was not able to balance my life and I realized that I was using the stress and pressures of work to ignore my eating issues and control. I had lost a significant amount of weight, didn’t want to eat, and my body was suffering. Some days, I couldn’t find the strength or desire to do my usual yoga practice. My body was shutting down. So. It is time for me to face it. Here I am, freaked out, taking time, however selfish I feel it is, out of the corporate world, struggling with how to convince myself that I am doing what I need to be doing right now–taking care of myself–and jumping in. If I do want to spread my love and my passion, it’s only fair that I must first be in the right place and “practice what I preach”, right?
I am doing this for myself. I need accountability and a place to chronicle my ever-changing thoughts, emotions, and realizations–my steps forward, my steps sideways, and my steps backwards. Even if none of this resonates with you, maybe it will be insightful and interesting. On my blog, I will be writing about my day to day life in recovery but also in growth–the adventures, my yoga, etc. I want to focus on the positives, what energizes me and keeps me going, and spread that light. I may have fallen into this place in part because of the eating disorder, but if anything, it has given me tremendous insight and opportunity to climb out and soar and maybe even help others.
I encourage all of us in recovery and those on our journeys to push forward and stay strong. There is help, and often it is in the places you least expect it. I resisted Instagram and social media completely, but then it has given me life again. Thank you all. I love you. You all are MY heroes. Keep shining!
I am so grateful to have this opportunity to share and connect with you! I would love to stay in touch–please enter your email, and keep on shining with me!